Once every two years there is a gathering. This is a gathering like no other. This is Beard Country. Well, beard and moustache actually. And side burns, to be fair. OK so this is Facial Hair Country and this gathering is The World Beard and Moustache Championships. These men (and let's make no bones about it, this is currently a men only arena - thank the Lord), have trained their bumfluff, beards and burns into the most incredible display of hysterical hirsuteness ever seen outside of the Russian Olympic women's shot put team. We had a close shave with Phil Olsen, captain of Beard Team USA and the owner of a top beard himself.

Steal-Life - Firstly Phil, as a pogonologist can you describe your own facial hair at the moment?

Phil Olsen - I have an untrimmed but kempt full beard.

SL - Why have you chosen the full beard over say, a huge handlebar?

PO - It's what's there. I didn't grow it, it just grew.

SL - What got you started in this whole thing in the first place?

PO - I stumbled into the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Sweden in 1999 and realized immediately that the United States was underrepresented in this event. Since then my mission has been to make the USA a power in international facial hair competitions.

SL - Your own competition costume epitomises the era that began the popularity of the beard in the USA, the American Civil War, and there does seem to be a theme of harking back to bygone ages in general. Do you think there was a golden age of facial hair and if so what happened that made us so clean-shaven?

PO - The latter half of the nineteenth century was definitely a golden age of facial hair here in the USA. For an example, just look at pictures of US Presidents from the era. I have no idea what happened to make so many become clean shaven, but whatever it was it did not affect me. I suggest you ask a clean shaven person.

SL - How many members does Beard Team USA have and are they allowed out in the community unaccompanied?

PO - Beard Team USA currently has 181 registered members.

SL - Why do you think the Germans have dominated the competitions for so long?

PO - Beard clubs in Germany invented the competitions and developed the rules, competition categories, scoring system, format, etc. The Association of German Beard Clubs (AGB) continues to assert control over these matters, even as they relate to the "world" championships and other nominally "international" events. Indeed, even though the AGB has a few non-German (Swiss) members, the non-German members may not vote. The Germans naturally have an advantage as long as things are done the German way.

SL - In ancient Egypt a "postiche' or golden false beard was worn by queens as well as kings as a sign of sovereignty. Have you ever had any women enter the competition? Or indeed any queens?

PO - We do not know, as we do not conduct gender testing on the competitors, nor do we inquire about their royal status.

SL - Is there a category for nose or ear hair? Should there be?

PO - Yuck. No and no.

SL - You organised the 2003 Championships in Carson City Nevada, did it go well?

PO - It went extremely well in my opinion, especially because it succeeded in generating worldwide interest in the event. The event website received over 2 million hits. The press in places as far away as India, Singapore, Pakistan, South Africa, and Russia covered it. In the US, the event was covered in the New York Times, Playboy, and Sports Illustrated, among others.

SL - Hmmm, beards in Playboy eh? The next World Championship is in Brighton this September, the first time it will have been held in the UK. Do you think the British tradition of eccentricity will produce a good crop of beardy weirdys?

PO - I doubt it. The organizer of the event is the Handlebar Club in London, whose first objective in organizing the event is the promotion of "good relationships between members of moustache and beard clubs throughout the world." But the only such "club" in England -- the Handlebar Club -- specifically prohibits its members from sporting beards. (Those with beards are entitled to "Friend-of-the-Handlebar-Club" status, along with the women and children.) I would prefer that the event promote good relationships between all moustache and beard wearers throughout the world, whether or not they belong to such clubs. This would include any "beardy weirdys" in England.

SL - The freestyle sections breed the most ingenuity as far a follicle technology is concerned–what do you think is the next big thing in beards?

PO - Bigger and better beards among younger people.

SL - Babies with goaties? Surely not. Moving on, should the clone and leather queens of San Francisco be applauded for their determined support of the bushy tash or has that alienated potential heterosexual top lip development?

PO - I don't agree with the premise of your question. The clone and leather queens of SF don't appear to me to support "bushy tashes" at all. They are mostly anti-Bush.

SL - Aren't they though? Another 'bush' hater, Alexander The Great once said, "There is not a better handle to take a man by than the beard." Are women put off by beards or turned on in your experience?

PO - Some women are turned on, really turned on. But probably the majority are put off.

SL - And why not? The Romans would consecrate the first growth of a young man's beard to some god but now 'bum fluff' is indicative of a boy trying too hard. At what point do you think it's OK to start letting it grow?

PO - I think it is OK to let it grow any time. What is so shameful about something that's natural?

SL - The U.S. Army & the U.S. Marine Corps ban the wearing of beards. Do you think that if that was reversed there might be more of an atmosphere of harmony in the Middle East than at present?

PO - Absolutely. Recently I read that a squadron of RAF airmen heading to Afghanistan has been ordered to grow beards in the hope that it will help them forge closer links with people in the country. This would be a good idea for American forces as well, in my opinion.

SL - Finally, have you ever seen a beard and thought, 'Well that's just stupid."?

PO - Yes.

SL - Thanks for your insight Phil. See you in Brighton.

Phil Olsen - Captain of Beard Team USA

Photography ©Frederic Neema -